An Eulogy...

My sister passed away exactly 1 year ago today. She fought with stage 4 cancer for 40 months. She was a brave woman. She talked of the disease openly, and I never saw her cry once during her battle with cancer, except on her deathbed...

It took me a long time to accept this fact and I sort of avoided family events because of this. It took me a year or so after knowing her illness before I started to meet her privately, mostly during afternoon day-offs from work. I would spend the afternoon accompanying her to her children's football and netball matches.

As the days gone by, whereby I think she had an idea that her days were up, she kept repeating the same words to me during our afternoon meet-ups, "Look at me, I have all this money but cannot do/eat/go"... She would encourage me to do the things I want to do, go travel, try new hobbies, eat my favourite dishes and spend money in general~

She was a saint in my eyes in many ways. Even if I try, I cannot find major flaws in what she did with her life. A fair mother, great temperament, very very few vices and well-liked by everyone. During her funeral I met many of her ex-colleagues and friends. Some of them I knew from many years ago, some of them whom I met for the very first time. All had only nice things to say about her. Many didn't know of her illness and were shocked to know that she's been living with it for years. I guess its attributed to her kind nature as well. Didn't want to be the centre of attention and didn't want to overly bother other people (Common trait in the family)...

The initial months of her passing was tough for me, to the extent I had to see a shrink. I would suddenly cry uncontrollably and I simply couldn't function. That's not to say its alright now. I still break down in tears once in a while, but I manage to keep it to periods when I'm alone... or I'll just rush to the nearest restroom.

I think of her from time to time, especially during the mornings when I take the short walk from bus-stop to office. Back when she was hospitalized, I would use that time to send her a WhatsApp message to check up on her as well as chitchat with her. Now I will look up at the sky and hope that she's in a better place without pain...

I have my regrets. I wished I've made that trip to Japan with her. Or anywhere else for that matter. That regret is never going to be resolved as she's here no more. End of this year I will bring her kids to Bintan... and that's probably the best thing I can do for now... I'm also traveling alot this year, fulfilling a promise that I will do whatever I want while I still can.

And thanks to her I've went to 2 rounds of endoscopy scan in the last 3 years, in which both scans resulted in benign polyps which could turn bad. I guess in a way she saved my life...

Thanks for taking care of me all these years. You're a fantastic sister and a friend... Let's be siblings again in our next lives... Hopefully I'll be the elder one next time and I'll take care of you...